交大電物61級 Blog

by Leo Tolstoy
1883
Bill Lin 譯

我55歲了，除掉我的14或15年的童年，一直到最近，我是一個典型的虛無主義者；我一向不是個社會主義者，也不是個革命家，只是一個毫無信仰的虛無主義者。

5年前，我開始相信耶穌基督的教導，這個信仰，導致我個人一個徹底的大改變。現在我不再在意過去所珍貴的，同時開始追求以前漠不關心的東西。就像一個人出去經營事業，半路上突然相信了，原來那個事業的一無是處，於是回轉身；所有在右邊的變成在左邊，在左邊的變成在右邊；他以前想離開家越遠越好，變成想離家越近越好——所以，可以這麼說，我的生命的目標和意向都改變了；我所要的和以前不一樣了。對我來說，好與壞互換了位置。這個經驗發生於我對耶穌基督的教義的理解的一個全然不同的方式，和在一個全新的光照中的看見。

我不打算去解讀耶穌基督的教義，只想簡要的述說我如何的得到了解這個教義裡最簡單的、最清楚的和最易領悟的要點；而且當我一旦清楚的掌握到了祂的真意，這真意如何的帶給我所有的思想一個新的方向。

我沒有想要去解釋耶穌基督的教義，但是我確想要避免他人作出錯誤的解讀。基督教的教會通常認知，所有的人，不管他們的知識或心智程度如何的不同，在神面前一律平等；神啟示給人的真理，人人可得。耶穌基督自己告訴過我們，天父把某些事情“對聰明有智慮的人隱藏，對天真無邪的人披露。”

所有的人無法被啟發帶進教義的、說教的神秘，和早期教父的神學等等；但是所有的人都可以了解耶穌基督的教導，還可教導給簡單無知的人。我直到最近才理解了耶穌基督的教導，而且我很想要把我發現的解釋給別人知道。

被釘在十字架上的強盜信了耶穌基督而得救了；假如那強盜沒有死在十架上，卻下來告訴我們他是如何相信耶穌基督的，這樣會傷害到任何人嗎？

就像那被釘在十字架上的強盜，我也信了耶穌基督的教導，也在當中得到了拯救。這不是一個牽強附會的比較；那對於我一度在生死的思慮中的身心煎熬和絕望的情況是值得一提的，它也表明了現在充滿在我靈魂裡的平安和喜悅。

就像那強盜，我知道我的生命充滿了邪惡；我看到了四週絕大多數的人的道德和我一樣的沉淪；就像那強盜，我知道我不快樂，我痛苦；我四週所有的人也都不快樂，認受痛苦，我在這悲慘困境中，除了死以外沒有別的出路。

像那強盜，我正如被某個無形的力量，釘上了這個痛苦和邪惡的生命；在他白白的痛苦和忍受那邪惡的生命以後，死亡的恐怖的黑暗在等著那強盜，也正等待著我。

在這所有的裡面，除了我們之間有這麼一點的不同，我都像那強盜：他正步上死亡，而我還活著。這個強盜可以相信他的拯救會在墳墓以外實現，但是我無法這樣想；因為除了墳墓以外的生命，我還得活在世上，但是我不了解生命。這對我來說是很恐怖的，一直等到我聽到和了解了耶穌基督的話語；然後生命和死亡對我來說都不再是邪惡的；我不再感到絕望，而是感到擁有一個死亡無法毀滅的生命的喜樂。

假如我敘述這個信仰是如何的改變、影響了我，會傷害到任何人嗎？

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I am fifty-five years old and, with the exception of the fourteen or fifteen years of my childhood, I have been until recently a “Nihilist” in the proper signification of that term. I have not been a Socialist or Revolutionist, but a Nihilist in the sense of being completely without faith.

Five years ago I began to believe in the doctrine of Christ, and in consequence a great change has been wrought in me. I now no longer care for the things that I had prized, and I have begun to desire things concerning which I had formerly been indifferent. Like a man who, going out on business, on his way suddenly becomes convinced of the futility of that business and turns back; and all that stood to the right now stands to the left, and all that was to the left is now to the right; his wish to be as far from home as possible is changed to the desire of being as near home as possible – so, I may say, the whole aim and purpose of my life has been changed; my desires are no more what they have been. For me, good and evil have changed places. This experience came through my apprehending the doctrine of Christ in an altogether different way, and seeing it in quite a new light.

It is not my intention to interpret the doctrine of Christ, but simply to relate how I came to understand the simplest, clearest, and most intelligible point in that doctrine; and how, when once I had clearly grasped His meaning, it gave a new direction to all my thoughts.

I have no wish to interpret the doctrine of Christ, but I should like to prevent others from interpreting it wrongly. Christian churches generally acknowledge that all men, however they may differ from each other in knowledge or mental capacity, are equal before God; and that the truth revealed to man is accessible to all. Christ Himself has told us that the Father has hidden some things ‘from the wise and prudent, and revealed them to babes.’

All men cannot be initiated into the mysteries of dogmatic, homiletic, and patristic theologies, and so on, but all can understand what Christ taught and still teaches to simple and ignorant men. The teachings of Christ were incomprehensible to me until recently, but I understand them now, and what I have found I desire to explain to others.

The thief on the cross believed in Christ and was saved. Would it have harmed anybody if the thief had not died on the cross, but had come down to tell us how he believed in Christ?

Like the thief on the cross, I, too, believed in the doctrine of Christ, and found my salvation in it. This is not a far-fetched comparison; it worthily describes the condition of anguish and despair I was once in at the thought of life and of death, and it also indicates the peace and happiness that now fill my soul.

Like the thief, I knew that my life was full of wickedness; I saw that the greater part of those around me were morally no better than I was. Like the thief, too, I knew that I was unhappy, and that I suffered; and that all around me were unhappy and suffering likewise, and I saw no way out of this state of misery but through death.

Like the thief, I was nailed, as it were by some invisible power, to this life of suffering and evil; and the same dreadful darkness of death that awaited the thief, after his useless suffering and enduring of the evils of life, awaited me.

In all this I was like the thief, but there was this difference between us: he was dying, and I still lived. The thief could believe that his salvation would be realized beyond the grave, but I could not; because, putting aside the life beyond the grave, I had yet to live on earth. I did not, however, understand life. It seemed awful to me until I heard the words of Christ and understood them; and then life and death no longer seemed to be evils; instead of despair I felt the joy of possessing a life that death has no power to destroy.

Can it harm anyone if I relate how it was that this change was effected in me?